Response to Emily and other topics/ramblings.

My buddy Emily has a new blog. (newish mom!)
 She wrote this post and I was writing a reply and then realized my reply was longer then her post. Figured I would just post in my blog since its been way too long.
http://minkflamingos.com/2012/10/20/im-in-your-relationship-dropping-bombs


Wonderful post. And all very very true. As you (most of you) know Ryan was a breast feed baby. I was very adamant about that, we both were. So those first few days are so hard. Then the first few weeks. Neil would work all day, come home and help me, and then make us dinner and even feed me while I tried to feed Ryan. It's really about a united front, still is and I think always will be.

Couples that are on the verge of splitting and have a baby really confuse the shit out of me. Really?! You think having a completely dependent being is going to keep you together. BULLSHIT. When neither of you get sleep for 3 weeks and you find yourself arguing over who got more sleep last night that is the reality of having a kid.
"I was up at 1am feeding the baby and you were snoring, I remember, I put it in my iPhone app. It was so annoying and hard to not kill you."
"Really because I was up at 1:15 when Ryan cried and you were sleeping away and you were farting in your sleep." Then I would pull out my iPhone and open my "what to expect" app and show him exactly when I feed ryan, on what boob and when he went back to sleep.
Yes I was a freak those first few months. No surprise there.

You get shit on, literally, barfed on, sore nipples, blisters, not wanting to eat, not being able to eat enough, zombie like brain function, pissed you ran out of wipes and it's just when the kid took a huge dump and it's everywhere, mad you are home with the baby and hubby gets to escape to work, mad the wife gets to nap during the day, try to keep the house somewhat cleanish, make sure you are feed too, oh is that barf on your shirt? Well it's just one or two spots so it's clean enough, wash your hair every 3 days because you rather try to sleep... and so on. All the while bleeding, healing stitches and dealing with crazy hormones. (not to mention being aware you are crazy and feeling guilt over that.)

One thing I should mention, my son is 18 months old. (1 1/2 to you non-parents). And it's AWESOME. Yes we have a whole new bundle of issues, you always will. (NO HITTING RYAN!) But it's so awesome when he says "whatisthat mama?" (always wanting to learn) or when I get him from day care and he comes RUNNING when he sees me. The hugs, the dancing together, colouring on a piece of paper, him stealing all my food and I don't give a crap cause he is eating, laughing and then him laughing at me laughing and back and forth, running in circles cause is fun, hide and seek, tickling each other... it's amazing. Nothing like it in the world. I can not express completely how it makes you feel.

One thing to take away from this is; always ask how the dad is doing. No one ever asks the father "Hey man, how you holding up?" It's hard when a baby is breast feed and the dad can't really help they just see the mom going crazy (what happened to my wife?!). It's hard when you are up all night with a kid and then have to work and then come home to watch the kid (you can't feed) so your wife can nap or shower or just take a poop. Then said baby screams at you cause YOU do not have boobs and they just want mom and you just want everyone to be happy and to sleep. Dads are always under-appreciated.

When I was in labor I remembered hearing that, no one every worries about the husband/male. I did. I asked Neil how he was doing. I knew it was exciting/stressful/joyous/worried time for him. Being that Ryan was not our first birth I knew he was a little worried. We knew what was at risk. Watching the heart rate on the baby drop so low he was worried, seeing the crash cart and the always slight risk he might lose me, maybe both of us, I knew my husband was worried. The feeling of helplessness. Nothing he could do but stand by my side, hold my leg up and NOT LOOK DOWN THERE. Smile at me and tell me it was going to be alright. I had to ask if he was okay. I remember him laughing, the nurse and doctor being shocked I was worried about him. Why wouldn't I be? He is my best friend and this was something we were embarking on together.


Hmmmmm looks like two glasses of German wine makes me chatty and full of nostalgia. Chalk it up to wine, turning 35 next month and wine.
Oh I already said wine.

heh.

In unrelated news. I took my Canadian Citizenship test Friday. I am pretty sure I missed three questions. One I know for sure I missed. Oh well I can miss up to five and still pass. I should get a letter in 3-5 months. I will keep my US so I will be dual citizenship. Very exciting.
A HUGE step in securing my family since my husband is Canadian and my son is Canadian born.

So much

I have so much to write about!
This will be a short one since I am on my lunch break at work but hopefully I will go into more detail tonight.

So much has happened.
Ryan turned 14 months, we had an awesome fathers day weekend. Went camping for the first time (not so great at night) We had to leave around midnight, Ryan was coughing like crazy and couldn't sleep. Day Care Boogers strike again.
That was Saturday the 16th of June.

Monday the 18th - Monday the 25th we were in Punta Cana! We took an amazing trip just the three of us. So much fun.
More on that later as well.

Just two cool guys hanging out.

Update on Ryan. Still not talking so much. I am pretty sure he said 'Bottle' today and he does say mom and dad.

He is SUPER huggy and attached to us both right now. A little more to me. I have to calm down a lot of the time. I am a doer and I dont like just sitting I want to get up and go and get stuff done and I am trying to enjoy just sitting and playing with Ryan and reading a book together. Or even just cuddling. (which he did to me last week) I sat there with him for 10 min just cuddling. He wasn't ready to start his day and didn't give a crap that I was. He wanted to cuddle so that is what we did. On the floor in the living room. It was awesome.

Oh when he drops something he will point at it and go "utoh". And he will do it over and over until you pick it up for him. (if its a ball or something that he can not get too). Its pretty damn cute. He smiles like crazy! He has really got comfortable walking/running and climbing stairs. He needs help sometimes goes up or down and will hold his hands up for you to help him. He loves to be picked up and will come running to me with his arms up in the air going "UP" or at least it sort of sounds like up. He will also get his shoes and socks, bring them to you, sit down and wait for you to put them on. He liked to grab our shoes and try to put them on too. He does the same with shirts.
He got two molars while we were in Punta Cana. I think more are coming soon.

Every month is more fun then the month before. This kid is getting pretty kick-ass to be with.

Just so busy with home, work, kid and husband and to be honest the poor husband doesn't get as much time as he should. And tiny bit of time for me... and my Lego Batman game. :D

EDIT
Ryan is weened , his last feeding was Monday the 25th on the flight home. I am a little sad about this but we have other ways to bond now. He brings me books to read to him, we play hide and seek (sort of) and we have a lot of giggle fits together. Just another chapter in his life closed which means he is growing up.

Sleep issues and evil child

Our doctor at our last check up asked if Ryan was sleeping through the night, I laughed and told him no. Ry goes down about 7-8pm wakes up around 11:30, wakes around 4am and then wakes up at 7am for the  day. Lately it's worse, a lot of crying and shifting in his sleep. It's those god damn teeth.
I guess if I had five coming in I would also sleep poorly but really I just want him to sleep. Almost 10 months old (next friday) and STILL not sleeping all night.
I digress, doc said no more nighttime breast feeds. Water only. It can hurt his teeth. I checked with our dentist as well because I read some stuff online that said this is not the case for breast feed babies, only bottle kids. Our dentist said its a crab shoot. It might hurt his teeth it might not, but why risk it.
I have horrid teeth genetics. I just do. I brush and floss like crazy (even used to do it at work after lunch) but I still get cavities and I am 34. Neil has amazing teeth, almost never flosses and he has no cavities. Hope Ryan gets his teeth.


Thursday night was a living nightmare. He was up at 12am. Now normally I can rock him and hum for about 10 min and he is back out. Well not that night. Oh no. He wanted none of that shit. I had him till about 12:45am. We rocked, hummed, singed, changed diaper, tried the water, put him in his crib, left him for a few minutes at a time, put him in bed... everything. HE would just scream. Not cry, if he was crying I would have stuck with the crib and just checking on him every 3 min to let him know I was there and he was okay (read online to do this) but he SCREAMS.


Neil told me to put him in bed. Neil put his arm over Ry and was trying to sooth him. This works... as long as I am not in the room. So Neil picked up Ryan and took him in the living room to walk around. Then once he was calm put him back in bed. Screaming starts as he is looking at me. This went on till 2:30 when I caved and gave him breast.


Last night we did not cave. Tried all the crap above but instead of taking him out of the room I cuddled him in my arms rocking back and forth. He took the bottle (weak black chamomile tea) and drank almost the whole thing. Which for him is a miracle. I can get him to almost drink a bottle through the WHOLE DAY, not in one sitting. I rocked him for an hour and when my back felt like it was going to spasm I put him in our bed. Fuck the crib, lets break one bad habit at a time. Neil had to cuddle him to sleep. I think it was 3 something when he passed out. He woke at 5:30. I tried the bottle first and he started to ramp up.  I just gave him the breast. I was so tired I didnt even care to fight anymore. I figure we can kill that midnight (2am) feeding and we can work on the second one next week. I think its important we stick to our guns though. Don't cave in. Neils co-worker Liz (has 3 kids) gave him some good advice. She said Ryan doesn't remember being up for 2 1/2 hours Thursday night all he remembers is he got the breast in the end.


We have to be mean, well not too mean I dont want him to scream so hard he gets sick (he did that when he was an infant). We have to stick with it and just try to nap as much as we can during the day.
Books say the kid should sleep solid at night 10-12 hours and be taking 2 naps a day at 1 hours each. yeah right. In my fantasies. We were talking about having a second. I told Neil I don't think I want one and no way in hell we are having the talk for real until Ryan sleeps through the night. OR at least only wakes up once.


In happier news I made Butternut Squash Ravioli the other day for Ryan.

 I can feed myself?

Hey this is pretty good!

I used Wontons and it was so easy! Ryan loved it but he doesn't have enough teeth I had to cut it up. It took a while for him to eat. I ate half of his food. I just saute it in a little sun flower oil, no sauce. I also made meatballs but they are a bit dry. Gabi gave me a great recipe for home made sauce. SUPER easy to do and very plain so I am going to give him that for lunch today


Ryan loves to tickle us now. He was doing it to Neils feet the other night and Neil kept giggling. Now when Ryan touches my feet I giggle and bounce them around. Holy crap this kid loves it. He laughs like crazy! He will crawl across the house to get to my feet to tickle me. I guess that is what we get for tickling him so much.
Ryan also loves walking and pulling himself up. He does it on everything and the past few days he will pull himself up and then stand on his own. When we 'walk' him around the house and we will only give him one hand to hold. Before he would stop and look for the second hand and then either grab your clothing or stop let go and crawl. Now he is walking with just the one hand but he is a little shy about it. Every time he stands on his own I clap and tell him how great he doing. He loves it.

Bushy eyebrows and looooong lashes.

OH Gabi came over yesterday. Ryan hadn't seen her in a week. Soon as he heard her voice he lit up. HUGE smile and he did this flapping arms thing he does when excited. It was so cute. He really missed her, now to take him to visit Sandor (grandpa) as well. I know they miss each other.


I was playing with Ryans hair, I did the "Squiggy" if you dont know who this is I feel bad for you.

Mom... for real, stop it.

hehehehe

Its snowing outside, so pretty. I want to take Ryan out in it but its -12 feels like -21. Maybe not the day for snow play even with the snow suit.


Side note, I know the kid the tired because its 9:30am and he is napping already. Normally he naps between 10:30-11:30am for 1/2 hour. Lets see how long this nap is. Poor Neil is still in bed. I think this is taking a beating on him. He is so used to me taking the night shift cause he has to work so I think the sleeping in today and Monday (he has off) will do him some good. Silly man needs to go to bed earlier, silly mom should too!!!
I think we just get so excited about having the house to ourselves we stay up too late. There is a lot of things I can do only when Ryan is sleeping. I want to make my wall-dwellers again and no way I can play with Sculpty clay with Ryan awake!

Skiing and Doctor Update

Neil and I went Skiing last Saturday for the first time. Ill update more on it later. Pressed for time right now.
Ryan saw the doctor today for a check up.
He is 25.6lbs and 76cm (29.9in). Big baby is HUGE. Doctor also told me to stop breastfeeding him at night. To transition to water at night.
Plan is starting tonight no more big bed for Ryan. We put him in bed with us around 4am. So this week we break that habit. Next week start on the no more breastfeeding in the middle of the night. Doc said Ryan should be sleeping through the night now and its not good for him to have breast milk in the middle of the night because of his teeth.
BAH!
I knew this time would come but its gonna suck so hard. Thankfully he breastfeeds now and then I hum or sing him to sleep so I just have to leave out the breastfeeding in the middle of the night. 21 days to form a habit. 
I know in the long run this is a good thing since I am going back to work in April but still. I hate not sleeping. I shot myself in the foot putting him in bed with us and bfing to sleep. Stupid Mary! Oh well.

Breastfeeding (revisited) and a new tooth

I just got Ryan down for a nap by humming to him and holding him. This is a huge deal for me. I always get him to nap by breastfeeding him. I did start that way then I put the boob away while he was awake and just hummed. He fussed a little, tried to get at the boob and tried to sit up but I stuck with it.


I think it helps that this is how Neil and Gabi (grandma) get him to sleep (humming) so it was not new to him. I also will do this at night sometimes. Trying to break him wanting to feed himself to sleep at night as well. That was more for when I go back to work in April then about the tooth though.


I digress. Before I had Ryan I wanted to BF (breastfeed) him for about 3-6 months. I said when the first tooth came out I was done. Then it was no more then 6 months cause he is getting too big to hold. Then I said I would never feed him past a year cause that was pointless.
Now that I have had him for a while I enjoy feeding him and I will really miss that bond when its gone. I know we will have other things to bond us as he gets older but I love our time together. I am his mother and I love feeding my baby. Even more now that its not every hour of him wanting to eat. Man that wore me out and make me scared to go out in public. It is nice we can go out for a few hours with him as long as I bring a yogurt or fruit for him to snack on.


I do think bfing a 2 year old is a little odd but thats my choice to make. And who am I to judge? I don't want people to judge me. I use my boob to get the kid to sleep at night when I am tired and I know it will shut him up. I might do that past him being a year old. I don't know what the future holds. I know right now I feed him about 3x during the day and at night a few times whenever he wakes depending on how awake he is.


Also I just want to put it out there that its a myth formula feed kids sleep longer. They dont. Some babies sleep more then others. Sucky thing for me is our son takes after Neil not me. He doesn't want to sleep. He wants to play, he doesn't want to miss anything. He will be past the point of tired and into purple bags under the eyes and still want to play. I was really hoping he would take after me and want to sleep when tired. Though he is getting better at nap times. Also I am proud we didn't have to give him formula for long. That we tossed two containers of it. I am proud I stuck with something that was very hard and I feel better that I did. It was really hard to do it and I have a history of when something is hard I give in. I also have a history of when something is hard I want to do it even more, depending on what mood you catch me. I am not writing this to insult anyone but its my blog and sometimes it is just about me. (Please dont feel bad if you were not able to breastfeed, there are a lot of reasons. Maybe you had a biter or flat nipples or not enough milk. Providing is providing no matter now or what!)


I used to tease friends about the kids schedule. 'Ohhhh I cant go out it will mess up our kids schedule.'
 I used to say what bullshit. Now I understand. Oh yes. Christmas week was a huge eye opener for me. Yeah we can go out now and then with the kid no problem. However messing it up day after day after night really took its toll. And when he was getting sick and cutting a tooth. That was just stupid. Some nights/days he was fine and others it got downright ugly. Kids do work better with a schedule!


So Ryan is cutting an upper tooth on the left side. I can't get a picture of it cause he doesn't like me looking at it. I will try to get one after it pops out. He is handling it MUCH better then the first round of teeth. Man that was a nightmare.




EDIT Feb 10, 2012.
No its a nightmare now. Such a silly woman. Cutting teeth sucks balls. It will always suck balls. Just deal with it, understand the next month or two after you first notice that tooth will suck and move on with your life.
Teething hurts, teeth punching out of the gums hurt more and at night when there is nothing to play with or distract the baby it really sucks.


So tired...


ZZZZZZZzzzzzzz

Diets? (little TMI about breast milk as well)

Thinking about doing a modified south beach diet. I hate the word diet but was inspired but a friend doing that and lost almost 3lbs in 4 days. I figure if I eat less BAD carbs and move hopefully it will work. She pretty much doesn't eat bread all day and will have a little carbs with dinner. I am still breast feeding so I have to be a bit more careful but figure it couldn't hurt.

It worked GREAT for me before... until I went on a cruse and ate like a huge pig.

I just feel like I am stuck. I know I need to work out more and with winter coming its super important to get a jump on it. However I figure it couldnt hurt to go phase two of south beach with a little phase one thrown in.

TMI ABOUT BREAST MILK

(I do have to be careful because I don't want my milk to get thin but I am sort of hoping I will produce a little less. Ryan isn't eating as much as he used to and my body is being pretty stubborn and not getting the hint to make less milk. I hate pumping but I have to do it almost every day or I swell up at night.)

I wanted to be 30lbs lighter by the time I go back to work in April. I have 7 months to get my shit together. Now I am aiming for 25lbs.

Time to wake up the baby from his morning nap and walk to the store. Holiday weekend up here and I have to get some stuff for the weekend.

I will be good this weekend but Monday starts my diet. And don't get me wrong I am not going to be strict like I was before the cruise and Rita's wedding so the weight loss wont be as dramatic. It's more a long term health thing then a fat thing. The CPR class went over heart health and she scared Neil and I a little. With the history of heart disease in my family and my mom has type 2 diabetes (which means if I don't get my weight under control I am more at risk) I want to be healthy for life. Not just for me and Neil but for my kid.

Bread is my weakness. I could live off bread, cheese and milk and be happy. Never poop again but still be happy. So time to cut out the bread. And just to give you and idea of how MUCH bread I eat.

1 slice with an egg for breakfast

2 slices sandwhich for lunch

2 slices toast for snack before dinner (after nap)

sometimes 1 slice at night for a snack before bed.

That is 6 fucking slices a DAY. Of white bread by the way... not good.

No wonder my butt is huge.

Food round 2 and bottle issues.

Thursday Neil took me to Le Castile. It was so friggn' yummy. It sort of felt like Hogwarts meets Haunted Castle at Disney.

Photos are on facebook of food and such.

Our server over shared a little though. We learned that his ex wife was a boozer and he got custody of his son and step daughter but his step daughter came home at 18 preggers and he was married twice. He likes having a son more then a daughter but I think thats just cause of the ex wife...

Yeah sort of made our romantic meal a little more side show/drama theater.

heh

I made apples for Ryan yesterday and gave him a small taste. He really liked it! So at 10am today I gave him 5 bites of cereal and 3 bites of apple mush. We shall see how he does. I am trying to breast feed him less. He ate last at 9am and then napped a little. I gave him the apple and cereal and now he is in his exerciser thingy bouncing around. 

Poor peanut is teething like CRAZY. We have a few teethers and I tried a wet wash cloth of his. I put filtered cold water on it and gave it to him. He looked really confused. I hate to medicate him. I read about putting a little children Tylenol on the gums so I might try that before we go to Mike and Janet's today.

Yesterday I took him to Gabi and Sandor's to try to get him to take a bottle. Gabi told us Thursday after we dropped him off he was okay for a bit and then once he realized we were gone he screamed to the point of getting hives again. I figure if I bring him there at least once during the week he will be happy there again. Its funny how just not taking him there for two weeks he forgets and gets in the habit of being around Neil and I. 

Sunday we are going to leave him with Gabi and Sandor again while we go diner at O.Noir with Robin and Christina. I was going to have him stay overnight but now I am not so sure.

Anyways I digress. I had some boobie milk in the bottle for Gabi to try to give him in a bottle. I hide from him and Gabi went at it. After trying for an hour (I came and tried as well) he passed out for a bit. Neil came over and we all tried with formula. He only wanted to chew. By this point he had not eaten in over 3 hours. Which is HUGE for him during the day. I refused to breast feed while we are at Gabi's I wanted him to associate bottles with Grandma. If I caved in now he would learn boobies if he has enough of a hissy fit.

It was a battle of the wills and we tied. I refused to feed and he refused to eat.

We went home around 7:30pm and I feed him at home.

Neil thinks it was his teeth bugging him not the bottle. All he did was chew. Neil got him to eat a little formula but he was more interested in chewing. The bottle didn't make him mad after the nap. In fact he was laughing and smiling so that is good.

Okay I need to go clean while we have the time. This weekend is gonna be a little busy and my mom comes into town this coming up Thursday. I want her to relax and not worry about cleaning my house! I am a firm believer in a clean house for company (that stays with you). 
And by clean house I mean really clean. (ceiling fans, vacuum up spider webs in the corners, bleach out the fridge...)

So time to get to work because I haven't clean like that since she came to visit when I was 41 weeks preggers. NO it wasn't nesting darn it...

okay maybe it was.

Bras and bad days

I am looking for a good breastfeeding bra. I have one now but it feels weird and its black. I need a nude or white one. It is summer and I cant wear black for the next five months. I already am running hot because of the breastfeeding. Really don't want to sweat all over poor Ryan when we are out being active.

Right now I use three sport bras I got at wal-mart and I just pull them down under my boob. Works great at home but I would like something smooth and a little less noticeable when I go out.

SO all you breast feeding moms, any help would be great. Looking for brands and where to get them. Those of you in the states we don't have target up here but I can order and ask my mom to ship it up. I would like something with support and something easy to un-clasp.

(thank you in advance)

Ryan has been having 'bad' days since Sunday and today is a good day YAY.

Bad days are him crying a lot and nothing makes him happy and he wont sleep during the day so he gets tired and cries.

Good days are when he is happy and smiles and naps. Today is a good day and its a nice break to be honest. I love seeing my smiling happy baby. When his eyes open and he sees me he breaks out in this HUGE smile. I love that. I don't like when he turns purple and big ol' tears come down his face and nothing I can do makes him happy.

Breast Feeding

I am writing this with any new moms in my thoughts.

Breast feeding is HARD. Its painful, exhausting, stressful and takes a lot of your time and time you could be sleeping... when you first start.
Breast feeding is really pushed HARD in Canada. And the good thing is there is a lot of information and help out there if you have problems. (Free help)

That being said I am really happy I stuck with it. There were so many times I almost gave up.

Ryan was born with a tongue tie which didn't make it any better. He could latch great but he couldn't use his tongue to scoop the nipple and suck. This lead to him feeding for, not kidding here, HOURS and causing me to have blisters on my nipples.

I dreaded feeding him. (not anymore yay!)

Our son also has an oral fixation where he will want to nurse but the milk will just flow out of his mouth. We gave him a pacifier at 2 weeks which helped me to keep breast feeding him. (I keep track of when he eats to make sure he is getting enough food and if he is hungry he will spit out the pacifier and make sure YOU KNOW he wants the boob)

We were so scared about 'nipple confusion' we used a dropper to give him formula between feedings before my milk came in. After my milk came in we were okay just waiting to get his tongue fixed.

After his tongue was fixed it got MUCH better. He would eat for 10-20 min and de-latch himself. 

After a good burping he was a pretty happy kid. And I was a really happy mom.

Also around the 2 week mark we gave him a bottle for the first time.

Mixing a bottle before bed, my breast feeding him all day and at night, and a pacifier did not confuse him. We are lucky that he will eat breast milk or formula. He is not picky.

I know the many many benefits of breast feeding and I agree is the best for a child. That being said I think its horrid how you are made to feel if you do use formula. My lactation consultant called it "fast food" filling but not good for you. I disagree. I don't think its evil. Granted I only give him 1 bottle of it at night about 99% of the time its breast. Sometimes on a weekend if we are out I will give him some formula but that's pretty rare. I am in the habit of taking my pump with me to friends houses and giving him a bottle of fresh pumped breast milk if need be.

It pissed me off when people said breast feeding should not hurt and if it does you are doing it wrong. Bullshit. Anything sucking on your nipples for 20min at 12 times a day is going to hurt. You are not a bad mother.

Try to stick with it, its worth it and you will BOTH get the swing of it. And if you have to have a break and give a bottle of formula you are not a bad mom. I felt like I was, like I was letting him down. Looking back now that was stupid. Food is food, some food is better for you but not letting your kid go hungry is the best. 

Also breast feeding is super convenient. Nothing to warm up, no bottles to sterilize, no waiting and having the kid get really upset and cry. You just pop a boob in the mouth and you are good to go. 

I know its cheesy but I also feel this bond with him. I give him food. One of the most basic needs any living thing has, but not just the food... I will rub his back while he eats, or talk to him. I get to have this awesome bond with him no one else gets to have. Oh Neil feeds him also but this is straight from my body to his. It's pretty cool and a little gross.


So moral of the story. DO NOT FEEL BAD for getting frustrated or feeling like giving up or even giving up. I do promise you that it does get better. Try your very best to stick it out and you will get used to it (pain gets better and pretty much goes away with time) and the baby will get better at it too. Its new to you both. Don't be so hard on yourself if you can't keep it up. You are not a bad mom.
:)