Three years ago today

Three years ago today I held you in my arms. Your still little body. I held your daddy as we both wept over the loss of you.
I miss you, I love you and I thank you my daughter.
If it wasn't for the loss of you we would never have had Ryan one year and two days later.

Thank you Abigail, my wonderful little girl.

Enigma my little kitty girl...

We lost you today. I knew it was a matter of time and I didn't want to face it.

Enigma I love you.
She fell into my life after we lost Andrew and I didn't even really want her. I just took her as a favor to Jenn. She were such a brat. She bite and screamed and hated Neil, Ogar and me. Then she started to like my petting, my love and my cuddles. She would fight Ogar for my time and warmth.

Enigma and Ogar curled up in bed.

After we lost Ogar her and I became even closer. She got depressed so we got her a new brother. But still Enigma stuck by my side. Even if Roag made it hard on her sometimes.

Enigma loved to curl up with me and we kept each other warm.

 Roag wanted to see what it was about so he sat on us both.

Little lap girl.

When we were going through everything (testing) with Abbey Enigma would spend all her time with me. Curl up on the futon, floor, bed... anywhere. She just wouldn't let me be alone and it was what I needed. Something I could pet, hold and cuddle. After we lost Abbey I really got attached to Engima and I would hold her even more. She let me. It was like she knew I needed something to give my love to and she was there for me.

Mmmmmm sun

She has been a little sick for a while. But she was still eating like crazy, drinking water, playing, complaining, going potty and just being herself. She would just get sick sometimes. The past few months its been more and more. 

Kitty girl sleeps on dad too!

Last night Enigma got so sick (so much vomit). We found it about 430am. We found her and she was very still. I put her on the futon and we cleaned up the mess. Around 630 we tried to get her to eat a cookie (treat) and some water. She wanted nothing. She started to digress. We got to the vet today at 1 and found out she had a blockage (he thinks it was poo but couldn't be sure without some tests.) She also had a fever and a heart murmur. After weighing out options and talking with the vet about tests, treatments and her age and history we made the call.

We said good bye to our little pointed butt, lemon face, pain in the butt kitty girl around 2pm. She looked at me as she slipped into her final sleep. I take comfort in knowing she heard Neil and I telling her we loved her and saw my face knowing she would be okay. No pain.

Playing with ropes is fun!

I miss her already. I will miss her eating flour and getting into everything. I will miss her crying at me first thing in the morning until I give her food. I will miss her almost dancing with excitement when I get wet food ready for her. I will miss her biting my feet at night when I move in the bed or her bitchy 'meow' when I dare to move at all while she is sleeping on/near me.

She was a brat and a princess and I loved her a hell of a lot.

My video game companion.

Shots round two and 1 year ago yesterday...

Ryan did very good on his second round of shots today.

He was very brave. Didn't even cry until the second needle went in. He did jump a little at the first one and he gave me this sort of WTF(whatthefuck)look.

However after the second one was done and band aids were on I picked him up and he stopped crying and a minute or two later smiled at me.

Poor legs.

He is having a second nap now.

No fever yet.

37.6 c which is good.

Something that shocked me is my doctor told me to not make the cereal runny and its okay to give him real food (mashed veggys and fruit for now). I was shocked. He said make sure to give Ryan one thing at a time and wait a few days before introducing another food to double check he doesn't have allergies.

I am a tiny bit sad we can give him food. I love the easy to clean poops and how easy it is to breast feed. Nothing to clean up after unless Ry spits up a little. Its nice. Now with real food I will have to clean up bowl and spoons (easy enough) the high chair, the floor, him, me, the cats... heh anything and everything the food gets on. We will have to start with a schedule as well. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. I will have to keep track of what I feed him (encase he gets sick) at first. Also remember what he likes and doesn't like so I can try to get him to like stuff later on (it can take up to 14 times on a new food before a kid will eat it). I also want to make my own food so I need to start batch cooking that and freezing it.

It's exciting because its something new for us both but I am just a little sad.

I need to get Neil to feed him at night. Which means I will have to start making dinner for us as well to free up the early evening for Neil to feed Ryan. Right now Neil makes most of the dinners. But he cant feed Ry and cook dinner.

On to sad things. 

Yesterday was the one year mark of Abigale's due date. One year ago she was due. April was harder because that was the one year of her loss. It still make me think about her. I think about her a lot but every month less and less. When we first had Ryan he brought back a lot of memories and feelings about her.

Sometimes I even dream about her. This time was made a little easier by the celebration of Sloane. Watching her grow and get stronger makes it a happy month for me. Not one of sadness. I am hoping Ryan's birthday being in April, so close to the date of our loss, will do the same.

Still everything we went through with her makes me love and appreciate Ryan even more. I really think unless you have lost a child or came close to losing one you can not understand this. No offence to anyone but its a unwanted club no one talks about or wants to join.

Abbey

I found myself thinking about Abbey for no particular reason and started to cry yesterday. Thankfully it was when Ry was sleeping. I don't talk about her anymore. I think it makes a lot of people uneasy which is understandable. If you have never lost a child it would be something you are unsure of how to comfort someone on. Hell even if you had lost a child how people handle it is very different. Neil VS me was very different.

Every now and then I think about her and how old she would be now. But on the same side of the coin if she was healthy and we had her we would not have Ryan.

My due date was Aug 23rd 2010 and I found out I was pregnant before that. (in July)

I love Ryan with all my heart but I find myself sometimes wondering about the daughter we lost. What she would have been like if she was healthy. Who she would look like now. Does Ryan look like her? She would be almost a year old.

Then I step back, acknowledge that she is gone and we are lucky in having a healthy baby to hold now. Everyday I am thankful for Ryan and that he is healthy and growing.

He is not a replacement for our lost daughter but a happy bonus of a squirmy smiling son.

And that is what I should think of when I find myself sad over the loss of her.

I made it through today. GO ME.

I made it through today. Cried only three times and one of which was in front of my mom, which if you know me is embarrassing. I am not a public crier. I like to be sad alone. Little grumpy and a lot moody but I made it.

Today was the 1 year we lost our daughter.

Abigale Bank was stillborn at 20 weeks into my pregnancy. She was very sick with a defect called CDH. (Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia) She also had some issues with her genetics. It was just a slip of nature, not genetic from our family or make up. We were tested. (which is why we are pregnant now)

I love her very much and I miss her. And I think that is all I have to say about that.

We have a lot of hope with the little guy I am currently carrying and are beyond thrilled he is a healthy little guy. I can't wait to meet him. We are so excited about all the things we get to do with him, Halloween outfits, summers playing in the water, teaching him about the ocean and stars, all the trouble he will get into.

We had dinner at Neils folks house tonight and we were showing mom all the pictures of Neil when he was little. SO CUTE. Every picture he is making some sort of face or looks like he is talking or laughing. It was a little glance into the future which got me super hyped. I can't wait to see who he looks like and watch his personality come out.